Love is blind

Been together for more than a year,
Is not the longest achievement in my life. 
I want us to be together, possibly forever.

But now I noticed that love never lasts long, 
No matter how hard I try to find the right guy. 
Every guy will turns out to be the right one in the beginning, 
But the worst at the end.

Heard a lot of advise from friends these few days, 
And I really realize that our love has changed.

A guy can never understand how it is important to maintain a relationship. 
They just started to take things not as serious anymore, 
Because they own the girl. 
They are proud, and they think that their girl will never want to leave them.

But guys out there, can you think again, on behalf of girl? 
What do we feel when you abandon us for friends? 
What do we feel when you break your promise? 
What do we feel when we can't get your attention and affection?

It is really heart broken for me these few days,
Realizing he is no longer there for me. 
Now he won't stay awake for me, 
He won't drive all his way here for me,
He is lazy to even look at me in the eyes.

And I realize how stupid I am, 
For blaming myself when he tells me: I hate your dad.
I blame myself because I have a mean father.
But a guy that loves you so much,
He will put an effort to make your father likes him.
Every father will test his daughter's boyfriend, and wants him to prove how much they love their daughter.
Won't you do the same to your daughter's boyfriend? 

For these few weeks, I waited for him to give me a hug, 
Tell me in my ears how sorry he is,
And maybe promise me he will do better.
A relationship can never go back to how it was but it can turn better,
When both parties put on their effort for the one they love.

I never doubt his love, never.
But I can't see myself in his heart anymore.
He has a group of friends, 
That keeps him entertained.
They are fun, not serious, games all the time, and most important of all,
They share their problems together.
He feels that he found another group of buddies, and this makes him happy,
And it also makes me blur from his sight. 

Getting over a relationship is the hardest thing ever,
And I really don't want this to happen.
I want to proudly tell the world that,
This man, this man that I loved,
He is different. He loves me more than anything else.
But I can't. I don't even the power to make him come to me when I shed a tear.

I am no longer his priority.
I am no longer his top of the world.
I am only, his girlfriend.
Only, the only one sleeping beside his bed.

A guy that loves does not give excuses.
A guy that loves does not hurt others and do not mend the scar. 
A guy that loves does not break promises.
A guy that loves respects his spouse. 
A guy that loves will think on her shoe, and feels the same of what she's feeling.
A guy that loves will love her family as well.
A guy that loves protects her from any harm.
A guy that loves will put her on first.
A guy that loves will fix a relationship.

And this guy, he don't love.
At least not me anymore. 

I am scared, alone and terrified. 
But I know I have to make a choice.
If you are not happy in a relationship, then end it. 
No point hurting yourself for someone that does not cherish your love and affection on them.
You still have long way to go in your life, with or without him.

Dear Lord,
What should I do, Father?
I feel so lonely, so helpless. 
I don't want to be so misery in my life.
I sitll have a long way to go, and I am  afraid of what's coming. 
Guide me, love me, teach me , Lord.
For I am stupid in love. 

Guys, stop breaking a girl's heart. 
When they a hurt, they will put on their defensive system and you no longer can reach for them.
And one day, you will regret that you never make thing right. 

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen. 

What is friendship?

A lot of people around me, 
Always bugging me, teasing me about how I say I wont care, but actually I do.
But really, what's wrong with that?

I don't have much friends. 
Probably because of my personality.
I am a harsh person, 
If you get to know me, you'll know.
I am not mean, but I am very straight forward.
And sometimes it offends people. 

The fact is, I love my flaws. 
It is bad but I like it. 
I like how I can tell them they have failed makeup on their face, in their face.
Because its good for them. 
They will hate me, but they will after that fix their makeup and they will look better and better. 

The point is, I don't mind being the bad person,
As long as the person I care about can turn into a better person with a better life.

And then I realize, I am wrong.
Always wrong. 
Not everyone can accept this part of me, 
Only minor of them. 
Guys, they don't really care about criticism, and they are just lack of nerves,
So I never have problem with them. 
I am glad they accept me as who I am. 
So chill. 

As for girls, WOOTS!
Fuck my life. 
The face expression, the stares, the body gestures, the reaction, the way she talks,
One single move can kill you, and your friendship. 

Girls.
Probably we have too perfect DNA.
Unlike men, we have more perfect DNA and it theoretically makes us smarter than them.
And makes us more perfectionist, emotional, OCD than men.

I seldom have troubles with my group of friend, 
Except the fact that some of them didn't like my jokes or my straight-forwardness. 
So until today, I can never handle dramas. 
Because I never done such things. 

And today, I realize how loser I am in friendship. 
Dealing with all these dramas, checking out all these body gestures, listening to all these gossips, back stabs, 
And I am just pretty sure that they hate me and shits,
Really brings me down. 

I don't understand, why?
You don't like what I did, you just tell me. 
In a funny way, or in a serious way. 
Since I am already that mean and straight forward, I wouldn't get hurt if you just shoot me in my face.
Right?
Why do you go tell someone else instead and make yourself hating me more?

I hate this.
I hate all this. 
I cant do anything ,
All i can do is just sit back and watch our group crush and shattered, 
And all of us will just ended up become the "hi" strangers after we graduated.

What so fun about hating?
What so fun about gossiping? 
What so fun about back stabbing? 

A true friend is hard to find. 
If I have to talk to you nicely, with a soft tone, use the right word,
I might as well find another friend and wipe you out of my life. 
Because there are so many greater friends out there willing to accept my flaws, 
And they wont judge me just because I am different from their world. 

I love you all, my friends.
But you don't love me.
All you want is me faking into someone that speaks in your language, 
Do it your way, 
Treat you like a queen.

You know what?
You are not. 

Just suck it up and accept the fact that you will never be a queen.
And start thinking in other people's shoes. 
Everyone deserves that, including me. 

Dear God, 
Yes, it happen again.
Your daughter offended people again and she is losing friends.
This time, it doesn't hurt that bad.
Only realizing how I just don't feel like adapting into such fake world and how much I want to be true to myself.
Father, I know You will always by my side, protecting me.
And thank You for everything, Father. 
You are the best. 

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen. 

Dull

Just a sudden thoughts, want to share it here in my lovely diary. :)

Yes, I did unfriend this girl, Ariel from my friend list in Facebook.
It is not a very big deal for me, 
But it sounded like a mean, barbaric, bitch things that I did.

The reason that I unfriended her is simple.
And I have nothing against anyone or myself.

I just simply wanna move on from her.

I want to cut off this relationship with her.

It is been hard to be friends with her. 
When I was driving today back from college,
The sky is cloudy and gloomy.
And this song, I wont give up by Jason Mraz is playing on the radio. 
Somehow, it reminds me of the time when we have a big misunderstanding and a big fight. 
We never talk after that. 

And then I recall the time when we first met.
I smiled. 
Yet, my heart is tearing.
It is never easy to give up such beautiful friendship.
But I have to let it go.

We have a big knot between us, 
That will only be tighter as we have arguments.
And the tighter it get, 
The more hurtful it cause.

We are like fire and water.
Water will be evaporated by heat,
And fire will get wash out by water.
But the bond is still together.

I have no idea if the description fits, but screw it. 

The truth is, I miss the friendship.
It used to be so nice and perfect, until all these silent, back stab incidents happen.
Both of us are too stubborn to put down our ego and be friends again.
Simply because we are the same type of person.

One day, I decided to unfriend her in Facebook.
Because without looking at her updates, I feel so much more peaceful in heart.
Nothing personal, 
Just feel that it should come to an end.
I feel that it is a better solution for both of us.

If we never met, the awkward situation today will never happen.
If we never met, we would not have to be mad with one another.
If we never met, we will be so much happier, life will be so much more simple.
If we never met, there will be no scars in our hearts.

Our friendship is not as pure and simple.
There are too many people around us giving opinions and advises, 
That we are so blur and so much anger with one another,
But we forgot how we was when there is only both of us.
Pure friendship, supporting and caring.

If we happen to be friends again,
The same situation will happen over and over again.
And we will be hurt by one another again and again.
So it is the best for me to cut this off. 
And I understand you dont really need me in your life.
So everything is alright.

I am slowly letting go.
It still hurts to look at you,
But I am totally fine.
Because I know that you are happy without me.

And thanks to you,
I have learnt that sometimes letting it go is a better way to make someone happier,
Instead of fighting too hard to get their attention.

Dear Lord,
I have an empty hole in my heart now.
My life now is never complete. 
I can never learn how to fully trust a friend, without us getting hurt.
Human beings are judgemental, complicated, high ego.
Everyone in this world are the same.
Including me.
And I know I am trying too hard, thought that I might hold back the broken friendship.
I am terribly wrong , Father. 
And I have learnt from that.
Thank You for Your support, Father.
You have teach me not to give up, but learn to let go.
As we can only find true happiness if we let go of something that hurts us inside out.
And they will find their own happiness too.

Father,
I realize I have to do something to fill the emptiness in me.
Guide me, Lord.
To the right path.
And let me feel the happiness once again. 
Thank You Lord.

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen. 

Mental Abuse

I am, extremely sad and feeling suck.
I thought if I was with him, all these complicated problem will be gone.
I thought he is a cool and chill person.
Neh.

After so many times of argument,
I am getting weaker and weaker, 
And somehow,
I turn into somebody that I did not know I will turn into.

I become offensive, fierce, scary.
And I started to hate myself.
I promised God I will love myself more and live life to the fullest.
And look at me now.
Pathetic, sad, fill with anger, insecure, mentally weak.

I turn into a weaker Meghan.
A Meghan that I hate so much.

I hate myself for being this weak.
Ever since brother left, I have never been crying my lungs out before.
And it happens more than once now, within 6 months.
Why, why do I become like this?

I broke the promises to myself.
I failed to make me happy.
I failed to God. Even this small request from Him.
I failed.

For this relationship,
I tried harder than before to commit and to hold on this relationship.
But it gets worse than the other relationships I had before.
Really worse.
Whatever I did seems to be cheating him and did something wrong to him.
In fact, I am just being myself.

I am very sensitive in absorbing words.
And I am bad at filtering it.
And I got mental abused.

I still remember that today,
I lost control and my body started to shiver,
He come to me wanted to say something more,
I am so afraid of his words,
I just throw the bottle on my hand to him and lost control of my action.
I lost control of myself.

I am scared. 
I am turning into some weak girls that crumbles easily if I breakdown.

I lost myself, God.
I cant find myself.
I used to be strong enough to control my emotions,
But he force me again and again, 
Break me down pieces by pieces,
Just because he think he is right.

The amount of mental stress I took is so heavy, that I really feel like jumping off the building just now.
Right after I started to breakdown.
But its too low for me to die right away.

This is how bad my thoughts are, right now.

Even all these feelings that I got from him,
I am still not being responsible to solve problems.
Solve, problems.
Because of solving problems, I become weak, deep in my heart.
Very weak.
My lungs getting weaker and weaker.
I cough so often, that it hurts sometimes.

What should I do...

I really wanna hold on this relationship.
I know I cant live without him.
How pathetic I am.
Giving up on him appears to my mind like, a lot of times.
But, I decided to hold on.
I could not leave.
And I decided to suffocate myself by his words,
Despite of the chances I might not stand it.

But today, 
I am so disappointed by his action.
He insist to solve the problem,
Even after my spirit and my heart, brokedown.
The reason he come for me is just wanting me to solve the problem,
Instead of noticing my mental condition.

Who else can help me, please...

Lord, I will pray to You,
Every single day.
Lord, bless me.
Give me the strength to handle these situation.
Heal my weaken heart with Your mighty power.
For You are my saviour, You are my healer.
Thank You for dying on the cross for us, the sinful human.
I could not thank You more.
Thank You Lord. 
For not letting me down.

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen.

To Ariel

Yes, you see it right. This is for you.


Its been ages since I last blogged, and when i blog, it means something really run in my mind and bothers me a lot.

It's been months since we are not talking to each other, like we never met before.
Since the Penang trip incident.

You blamed us for leaving you behind, picking up this big shit on you.And a lot of  things happen after that, and at the end of the day you still feel that we do not feel sorry for what we did.And so, we are apart.


I tried to talk to you, I still remember the small conversation we had during semester break.
It is a short and decent talk, makes my heart calmed down a little bit,
Thought that we will be fine.
But I was wrong.

Somehow, you hate us.
You feel that we talk bad thing behind your back, we hated you.
So you keep all these thoughts in your head,
Spinning and turning,
And you just decided to stop talking to us.
As if you hate us.

And what break my heart is,
You leave PARTS.
You leave something that was once the most important part of your life.
And the reason is, you are busy.
Or from what I heard, you hated us. All of us.
As if we did you wrong.

But do you know that your small little thought is extremely selfish?
You always say that you and I are the same type of person.
Straight forward, loyal, wanna have fun.
So when you hates me so much, and when you thinks that I hurt you,
Have you ever consider that I might get hurt by what you think of me too?

For these past few months, I can't focus.
I keep seeing you changing to another person that I dont know about.
Like someone I used to be so close with, turning into a stranger.

I love you Ariel.
As a friend, I love you so much.
I can't let go of you,
I really want you to let go of the unhappy past and be what we used to be.
But it is impossible.
And I tried to change our friendship, try to make it a new one,
And I failed, failed bad.

I miss you so much, Ariel.
I miss those times when we talk so much, like its never ending.
I miss those times when we both practice so hard for an upcoming performances.
I miss those times when you sleep over at my house, and we have heart-to-heart talk session.

I haven't been to your house at Subang yet.
I haven't saw your two puppies yet.
We haven't choreograph a dance together, yet.
I haven't choreograph a dance for us to dance to.
And it is just too late now.

Like how I lost my brother, I lost you.
In a painful way.
Maybe you want to move on from this part of your life, to another part of it.
Because you are happy without us, without me.

People around me ask me to move on, and stop caring about you.
And now I know I have to.
Goodbye Ariel.
I will no longer love you or hate you.
I won't judge you or care about you.
All the best in what you do.
Maybe we will meet in another part of your life,
Or maybe never.
Bye.

Drama.

Things happen quite frequently these few weeks.
And the conclusion I have is:I hate drama, drama hates me.

Yes, I hate drama.
Drama is the reason why people are separated.
Drama makes my parents argue over small thing, and end up not understanding each other's feeling.
Drama makes me and my sister fight over unrelated stuffs.
Drama creates gap between me and my friends.
Drama makes life worse.

For my entire life, drama is something that I will really love to avoid.
That is why I am not good in argue.
I would rather stand there and be quiet, so the drama will fade off.
Apparently, people in my life loves to be dramatic with me.
Like, really.
No one can ever try to settle things in a rational, or in a happy way.
Everyone just like to put extra emotions and create drama.

I understand. Every human is selfish.
It's nature instinct.
Even I am selfish myself.
No one will not kill one another if the only food left in the planet is human.
Right?
Nothing is wrong with it.

But, think about it.
It is just a small matter.
And if you really understand me enough,
You should know that I hate drama.
I hate being not trusted.
I hate being accused.
Maybe you don't mean it, but I will feel that way if you started a drama.





I told you before,
I will never change who I am for you.
Because after so many relationships I had,
I realize that changing myself is not the key to have a better relationship.
It is in fact, a way to prove how pathetic I am,
To rather change myself for a guy, than having a guy that loves me for who I am.

You promised me, you will not change me.
You said before, you can accept who I am.
But now,
It is totally a different situation.
I will still be the who I am,
And if you cant accept it,
I am sorry, maybe I am not for you.


How long have we know each other?
Since the day I become a Christian.
We have been spending time together for more than more than 3 years,
And now, you are not the one I know, anymore.
You know that I am busy with my college life,
But still, you find an anonymous person to talk to,
And the subject is me.
Too busy for you, and probably forget about you since I have a boyfriend.


Drama.
That is the moment I realize, I don't really know you anymore.
Please, look at yourself.
You have so many friends to hang out with,
You have so many friends to talk to,
You have so many plans in a day,
How do you expect me to react in this situation?
I promised you I will ask you out when I am free from class.
I called, I asked,
The answer you give me is either you are with someone else or you have plans, already.
Please, I am not the one to blame,
In fact, no one.


Just stop being dramatic, people.
I really hate it.
Because drama makes me lost you guys, the people I love.
I love you. 

Best Friend.

Was bothered by this topic these few days.
It happened before,
And it makes me feel more certain these few days.

That it will never gonna change.
It will stay the same way.

I used to have this relationship with Sam,
Except couple,
We are best friends.
I can just share my everything to him,
And he shares his too.
We talk like we have been knowing each other for very long time.

I can't find it in Kevin.
No, I can't.
He has so many friends,
And yes, he has his best friend too.
The relationship that I will never get to share with him.

When he tells me about his best friend,
Honestly, I am jealous.
But it is something that I cannot , and I couldn't care much on.
It is a bond that we can't build.

Sad case.

Owh well...
It is fine with me.
I have my own best friend,
Shannen.
She is, and she will always be.
I love you sister.

I conclude that,
We will never be like what I expect,
But I am fine.
Not everyone's the same, right?