A dream.

I dream about him, last Friday night.
Dream makes me feel so good, yet feel so sad by the moment I wake up.


We are having dinner together, 
With his family along.
Everything seems fine, like how we used to be.
If I still recall, it looks like A&W to me.
A place that they love to go for dinner once a while.
I serve the food for them,
Take the sauces,
And we sit down and eat.
Everyone looks happy and excited about the food.


And then I ask him,
Why does he block me in Facebook.
He tells me with a very happy emotion,
That he doesn't want to see my updates on Facebook,
Because it hurts.
And surprisingly,
we start joking around.
Everything seems so fine, no harsh feelings.


People say that dreams is opposite side of reality.
I guess it is. :)
Yes, he block me in Facebook.
Didn't get to see what he's up to.
Cannot tell if he moved on, or he hates me still.
Cannot see what he's up to, is he going for another girl already?
Cannot see if he changed his lifestyle after I'm gone in his life.
I cant see anything.


I really thought, we can still talk.
Like how we did in the dream.
Well, its just a dream, isn't it? 


It still hurts, tho.
It hurts.


I guess I have to move on.
Knowing you don't want to even know anything about me anymore.
:)
I will still check you out,
And see if you are okay.
I will. :)
Even though you treat me like shit,
I don't mind.
I will still wait for you.
No matter how long it takes.


Father,
Your daughter speaking. :)
I do not know if I did the right thing this time,
But I know there must be a reason You brought me this far.
I am really happy and get to enjoy the life without any extra burden.
Thank you Lord.


Amen. 


I love you.

Heartache

Talk about relationship last night.

Had an argument.

And I know I did something wrong.

He is hurt.

I hurt his feeling.

I keep telling the world, including himself,

That we are not together.

And he's totally free and available.

He hate it.

He is upset about it.

And he burst it out,

By telling me how sad he feels.

Dear anonymous,

I dont know if I can count on you.

I can definitely imagine that if we are together,

I will be the one standing besides you,

Watching you socializing/playing with other girls.

And I cant see myself to accept it.

I have no clue what should I do with it.

If I were to control you,

Then there will be no point of what we doing now.

Because, it is our freedom to socialize.

I hate the fact that I am the one you deeply in love with,

But not the one you are close to.

You dont know me.

You never do.

One word to describe my feeling.

Insecure.

Yes, I feel insecure when I'm with you.

Well, end of this argument,

We both agree that we stay the way we are.

No pressure.

Single Life

Been very very busy lately.

I mean, seriously busy.

But I am happy.

Very happy.

Because I am single,

I no longer have to spend my time or squeeze out my time for my boyfriend.

I finally have my own time at Saturday, doing my own thing.

Tomorrow will be a Saturday that has 'me' time.

I am looking forward to it.

I saw his post.

He say that he wants to move on.

Even though we broke up,

It still hurts me a little bit.

But I never regret making this decision.

I feel like I have my life again.

Busy with being a student, a performer, a leader.

I can fully concentrate on what I have to do in my college life.

And it is good for me to be focus.

Relationship makes me lost focus.

I will do everything for my love ones,

Including screwing up my life.

That is why I want to stop it.

Life is busy, but it is really fun.

I did so many things in a week,

All the stress and tiring moment,

And all the happy and relieved moment is so precious,

The memory lasts forever.

I am happy with my life now.

I will move on too.

In your face. :)

Dear Father,

I get what You mean now. :D

You really open up my eyes to a world that I would never imagine.

I love You Lord.

In the name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

Be beside me, dont leave me.

Car accident.

Had a quite serious car accident today.

I bang to the divider and my car tayar is punctured.

Fetch some friends in the car.

We a supposed to enjoy our time at friend's place,

But end up I need everybody to help me with the tayar punctured.

After that, we go to Chatime @ Uptown and hang out.

I am still not sure about the direction and I ask them.

Same goes to it when we go back to college.

I am really blur about the direction.

They seem to feel it is funny,

And start making fun of me.

They start to misguide me.

I hate it,

Coz I will trust them.

After we reach college,

I just dont want to talk.

To anyone.

I am mad at myself.

Really mad.

I finally know how my dad feels,

When he says that he is very weak in sense of direction.

No one seems to believe him,

Even mom scold him, saying he is just being irresponsible.

It seems like both of us has the same problem that not everyone will understand.

We are weak in memorizing direction.

After I drop them off the college,

I park my car,

Change my shoes,

And listen to the music before I go.

To avoid me from falling.

walk to college,

Meet friends,

Greet them with smile.

Moments later,

Mom called, and scolding nonsense.

I could not take it anymore.

I throw the phone on the ground.

I kick it.

And I pick it back up.

I almost cried, but I didnt.

Cool myself down.

Smile it off, and back to practice.

They ask me if I am okay,

And I answered: Yes, I'm fine. :)

Back home,

Tell mom about the tayar punctured.

She started to scold me irrelevant stuff with tayars.

Totally break my wall of defense.

Shed a tear as I run in to my room.

Almost cry out, but I dont have time to do so.

So I keep it back again.

I am really mad at myself.

For being so blur as a driver.

I am making my friends and family that rides my car in danger.

Meghan Soh, you really suck shit.

You suck.

I dont know why,

I just want to hide this feelings from everyone today.

I dont want them to know.

I dont want to cry in front of them.

I dont want to be weak in front of them.

So I decided to keep it to myself.

Dear Lord,

I understand what are You trying to tell me today.

I really do.

Thank you Lord.

And please forgive me Lord,

Coz You told me before I need to share my feelings to everyone,
Including You.

But I just keep it to myself.

All by myself.

I will pray to You, Lord.

Dont worry.

In the name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

P/s: In case any of you read this, dont worry, I'm fine. It is none of your fault, it's my fault for making you scared. Dont worry. And I am really sorry for cannot make it up to you.

Personal Diaries during Bangkok Trip

Had a study trip to Bangkok,

It was really fun and I get to know Thailand's culture.

They just love their King so much,

Whatever they do, they do it for Him.

And same goes to the King.

Had a terrible incidents before i depart to KLIA.

The things that he did, seriously makes me lose all confidence in him.

I thought he know me well.

But I'm wrong.

Crying hard before I go,

And James accompany me all the way.

I can tell how worried he is when he knows that I'm about to cry.

:)

A lot of thoughts running in my mind,

And I wrote diary about it, in my phone.

Before I actually forgot about it.

Day 1

Nothing really happen.

But I met these 2 pretty girls on the plane.

Get to know them and it was fun.

They are from Germany. x)

Missing you on the plane,

With my music on the iPod.

Texted you when I reach Bangkok,

And it cost me RM2 -.- WTH..

Day 2

Missing you on the 2nd day.

Recalls the memory we had on the sports day.

Heart pounding.

But at the same time,

Confusing.

Honestly, when you mention about the girl,

It bothers me.

I am really sorry if I somehow ruin the relationship you guys are suppose to build up.

Really sorry.

Chan rat kun.

Drunk tonight, coz I just cant stop thinking about you.

I will get heart broken if I'm gonna do this..

But I wanna forget about you.

It was really heart aching when I think about her.

I feel so guilty.

You guys are supposed to be together.

I know I cant do this......

Day 3

Had a lot of first time experience when I'm with you.

Missing you bad today.

Third day at Bangkok and its our shopping day.

We literally shop till we drop! -.-

Everyone is broke. Including me.

After shopping, Mendy and I have to wait for the rest to done shopping.

(We seriously shop like a boss )

I miss you so bad that time.

Heart was pounding fast when I think about us,

Missing you hard when I am wearing your cardigan.

I miss you, K.

Drink and drunk again tonight.

I am missing you so badly.

Just you.

All about you.

Bought you a souvenir.

Scared you dont like it.

I'm officially broke because of that, But I dont care.

I love you babe,

Good night.

Day 4

Thinking too much!

Back from Bangkok and the 1st thing in my mind is you.

Called you, get very weird response,

But I know that you are happy.

It makes me more depressed.

I cant let go like that.

You been calling me 'baby girl' for the whole night,

And I see that you told your friends how important I am for you.

What should I do?

Today

Was wondering,

Maybe I am being too negative myself.

Think too much.

x)

When you mention about our memories,

Like telling me with very single details,

I know that I am inside your heart.

All the memories that we shared is irreplaceable.

Should I just stop thinking about everything and enjoy our moments together?

Wanna blog it out because,

Its part of my memory. :)

A quote for myself:

I am easy to get, but hard to maintain.

It is true, coz I am really a bad person.

My mind keep changing rapidly all the time.

And I am a really naughty person.

I know I cant do this, but I am still doing it.

Because I just wanna do what I want to do.

I hate when a string attached on me.

There is one day I actually feel relieved when I touch my finger and there is no ring on it.

Father,

Your daughter is really a bad person,

I guess You always know, right?

Please forgive my sins,

And guide me, Lord.

I know I've been hurting too many people.

Too many.

Maybe I should stay single.

I dont deserve a man to love.

Coz I am a bad person.

Recall

An ordinary day.

Another day of college life.

Drive to college, park the car,

Get down and do my daily routine.

2pm, CS class.

3pm ends.

Nothing much to do,

Some of us decided to go to Snowflake,

Have some dessert and chill.

4pm, we are almost done.

Suddenly, heavy rain comes.

Lightning.

The rain literally struck me.

It brings back my memory of him.

Wilber.

Soh Joh Kien.

A very familiar name,

Familiar face,

Familiar glasses,

Familiar skin tone.

A good brother,

Mom's favourite son,

A gamer,

A basketball player,

A hillarious person.

But he's no longer here.

When the lightning strucks,

Memory projects in front of me.

I cried, I breakdown,

I wish how I can exchange position with him so the world will feel better.

But now, I just wanna stay stronger for him.

Hey bro,

How you doing in Heaven?

:)

How does Father look like?

From my vision, Heaven is a very comfortable place.

Right?
:)

I was shivering hard,

And suddenly,

He hold my hand.

I can feel that he is very worried,

So I try to calm myself.

His hand is so warm,

I dont even feel like letting it go.

It makes me feel like, I am not facing this alone.

Fall for you deeper and deeper,

Day by day,

Second by second.

The only thing is,

I am afraid to love.

I am really not sure if I am a committed person in a relationship.

But I know you will wait for me.

And you wont let me go.

I wont let you go, too.

Love me more,

Hug me more,

Kiss me more.

Going to Bangkok study trip tomorrow.

Wanna pray to my dear Lord.

Father,

This is Your daughter speaking. x)

We are going to Bangkok for study trip,

Lord, I pray that we will have a safe journey there,

And we will get to not just have fun,

But also learn from there.

Oh Lord,

I pray that the flood will decrease,

And Thailand citizen will get better.

Yes oh Lord,

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

:)

I am glad that I have you in my life.

The last Goodbye

2nd of April, 2010,

They are officially together.

Two person from different world met each other, unexpected.

2nd of April, 2011,

They are still together,

Thinking nothing will break them apart.

13th of October, 2011,

They officially break up.

The girl knows he will breakdown.

The boy knows why she is doing this.

They have their own life,

Busy life.

They couldn't spend time together anymore.

They might probably met one another once a week or less.

The girls thought she is the bad person for hurting him,

But the boy says, "I know it won't get any better if I ask us to stay,"

He knows that they should move on,

So they both made an agreement.

Keep in touch.

Close friends.

This might be the best way for both of them.

Yes, it is the best way.

So they hugged each other, tight.

They kissed one another.

They said goodbye.

"I will miss you."

"I will miss you too."

The thing that we will never know is,

Maybe they will be strangers forever,

Or maybe they will found each other one day.

No one knows.

But I am glad it is a happy ending.

Goodbye, my love.