Love is blind

Been together for more than a year,
Is not the longest achievement in my life. 
I want us to be together, possibly forever.

But now I noticed that love never lasts long, 
No matter how hard I try to find the right guy. 
Every guy will turns out to be the right one in the beginning, 
But the worst at the end.

Heard a lot of advise from friends these few days, 
And I really realize that our love has changed.

A guy can never understand how it is important to maintain a relationship. 
They just started to take things not as serious anymore, 
Because they own the girl. 
They are proud, and they think that their girl will never want to leave them.

But guys out there, can you think again, on behalf of girl? 
What do we feel when you abandon us for friends? 
What do we feel when you break your promise? 
What do we feel when we can't get your attention and affection?

It is really heart broken for me these few days,
Realizing he is no longer there for me. 
Now he won't stay awake for me, 
He won't drive all his way here for me,
He is lazy to even look at me in the eyes.

And I realize how stupid I am, 
For blaming myself when he tells me: I hate your dad.
I blame myself because I have a mean father.
But a guy that loves you so much,
He will put an effort to make your father likes him.
Every father will test his daughter's boyfriend, and wants him to prove how much they love their daughter.
Won't you do the same to your daughter's boyfriend? 

For these few weeks, I waited for him to give me a hug, 
Tell me in my ears how sorry he is,
And maybe promise me he will do better.
A relationship can never go back to how it was but it can turn better,
When both parties put on their effort for the one they love.

I never doubt his love, never.
But I can't see myself in his heart anymore.
He has a group of friends, 
That keeps him entertained.
They are fun, not serious, games all the time, and most important of all,
They share their problems together.
He feels that he found another group of buddies, and this makes him happy,
And it also makes me blur from his sight. 

Getting over a relationship is the hardest thing ever,
And I really don't want this to happen.
I want to proudly tell the world that,
This man, this man that I loved,
He is different. He loves me more than anything else.
But I can't. I don't even the power to make him come to me when I shed a tear.

I am no longer his priority.
I am no longer his top of the world.
I am only, his girlfriend.
Only, the only one sleeping beside his bed.

A guy that loves does not give excuses.
A guy that loves does not hurt others and do not mend the scar. 
A guy that loves does not break promises.
A guy that loves respects his spouse. 
A guy that loves will think on her shoe, and feels the same of what she's feeling.
A guy that loves will love her family as well.
A guy that loves protects her from any harm.
A guy that loves will put her on first.
A guy that loves will fix a relationship.

And this guy, he don't love.
At least not me anymore. 

I am scared, alone and terrified. 
But I know I have to make a choice.
If you are not happy in a relationship, then end it. 
No point hurting yourself for someone that does not cherish your love and affection on them.
You still have long way to go in your life, with or without him.

Dear Lord,
What should I do, Father?
I feel so lonely, so helpless. 
I don't want to be so misery in my life.
I sitll have a long way to go, and I am  afraid of what's coming. 
Guide me, love me, teach me , Lord.
For I am stupid in love. 

Guys, stop breaking a girl's heart. 
When they a hurt, they will put on their defensive system and you no longer can reach for them.
And one day, you will regret that you never make thing right. 

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen. 

What is friendship?

A lot of people around me, 
Always bugging me, teasing me about how I say I wont care, but actually I do.
But really, what's wrong with that?

I don't have much friends. 
Probably because of my personality.
I am a harsh person, 
If you get to know me, you'll know.
I am not mean, but I am very straight forward.
And sometimes it offends people. 

The fact is, I love my flaws. 
It is bad but I like it. 
I like how I can tell them they have failed makeup on their face, in their face.
Because its good for them. 
They will hate me, but they will after that fix their makeup and they will look better and better. 

The point is, I don't mind being the bad person,
As long as the person I care about can turn into a better person with a better life.

And then I realize, I am wrong.
Always wrong. 
Not everyone can accept this part of me, 
Only minor of them. 
Guys, they don't really care about criticism, and they are just lack of nerves,
So I never have problem with them. 
I am glad they accept me as who I am. 
So chill. 

As for girls, WOOTS!
Fuck my life. 
The face expression, the stares, the body gestures, the reaction, the way she talks,
One single move can kill you, and your friendship. 

Girls.
Probably we have too perfect DNA.
Unlike men, we have more perfect DNA and it theoretically makes us smarter than them.
And makes us more perfectionist, emotional, OCD than men.

I seldom have troubles with my group of friend, 
Except the fact that some of them didn't like my jokes or my straight-forwardness. 
So until today, I can never handle dramas. 
Because I never done such things. 

And today, I realize how loser I am in friendship. 
Dealing with all these dramas, checking out all these body gestures, listening to all these gossips, back stabs, 
And I am just pretty sure that they hate me and shits,
Really brings me down. 

I don't understand, why?
You don't like what I did, you just tell me. 
In a funny way, or in a serious way. 
Since I am already that mean and straight forward, I wouldn't get hurt if you just shoot me in my face.
Right?
Why do you go tell someone else instead and make yourself hating me more?

I hate this.
I hate all this. 
I cant do anything ,
All i can do is just sit back and watch our group crush and shattered, 
And all of us will just ended up become the "hi" strangers after we graduated.

What so fun about hating?
What so fun about gossiping? 
What so fun about back stabbing? 

A true friend is hard to find. 
If I have to talk to you nicely, with a soft tone, use the right word,
I might as well find another friend and wipe you out of my life. 
Because there are so many greater friends out there willing to accept my flaws, 
And they wont judge me just because I am different from their world. 

I love you all, my friends.
But you don't love me.
All you want is me faking into someone that speaks in your language, 
Do it your way, 
Treat you like a queen.

You know what?
You are not. 

Just suck it up and accept the fact that you will never be a queen.
And start thinking in other people's shoes. 
Everyone deserves that, including me. 

Dear God, 
Yes, it happen again.
Your daughter offended people again and she is losing friends.
This time, it doesn't hurt that bad.
Only realizing how I just don't feel like adapting into such fake world and how much I want to be true to myself.
Father, I know You will always by my side, protecting me.
And thank You for everything, Father. 
You are the best. 

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen.