Look back.

Went out with my friends today.

Church mates, to be precise.

It's been quite some time since I last hang out with them.

It is fun. I miss them like crazy.

Miss all the moments with them.

After that, I fetch all of them home from One Utama.

After I send the last person home,

I realize that, I'm at his house area.

My heart start pounding, very fast.

I am shivering.

I was suppose to turn left to go home, 

And turn right is to his house.

And I decided to turn right.

I am surprised.

But I still drive all the way to his house.

I am really nervous and scared as I am reaching soon to his house.

I passed by.

I saw his neighbor.

I hope he doesn't sees me.

I saw his house. He is not there. 

He is off to study, I guess.

The house looks fine.

Everything is still the same.

And I stop shivering.

Drive myself home.

When I am on the way home, I shed a tear.

Really wanna cry out so bad but I got no tear.

How I wish I can do everything that we used to do before.

We go out, spend time together,

then we head to his house, chill,

And we go out for dinner with his family.

But when I think again,

If I am given a chance to start over again,

Will I choose to keep what I said?

The answer is, no.

I will still ask for a break up.

In reality,

There is still something that we will never get to fix for now.

And now, everything seems impossible to achieve, already.

You have your life,

And I have mine too.

So I conclude myself,

It's just an imagination and the remaining feelings on you that I thought I never wanna let go.

:)

Its the memory.

In my heart,

I wanna say,

I love you.

Forever.

Hope you are doing fine with your life now. 

And so,

I am back to my life again.

Moving forward and excited about going back to college again.

The effort that I put for my academic,

The time that I spend with my friends,

The spirit that I share with my Performing Arts people.

I love them more.

Adios.

What do you know?

Wake up in the morning, 
started to recall all the memories I used to have with him.
It makes my head burst.
But at least I am able to sleep well, 
Compare to the last few nights.


You do not want to listen to me,
At all.
And this changes everything.
And build more misunderstanding.
Because you never listen.


You saw my post,
You are jealous,
You get angry,
But you do not want to hear anything from me.


I tried to explain,
I really do.
But you can't hear anything.


And at the same time,
He came into my life.
Whenever there is misunderstanding,
When you push me a mile away,
He come closer to me, 2 miles closer.


The more you push me away,
The more he reach closer to me.


There are people saying that he is a player.
Don't you think I wouldn't know that?
I know about that, of course.


Do you know that,
When you refuse to talk to me,
I really wanted to rush to you and hug you?


Do you know that,
The more you misunderstands me,
The more I try to explain to you?


These moment,
When I can't reach to you,
I am really lonely and I don't know what to do.
And he shows up,
Look me in the eyes,
Tells me everything is gonna be okay.


I know that he might not be a loyal person,
So I tried to avoid him.
But the more I did,
The more he tries to show me he is true to me.
Basically,
He change himself.
And I can see that.


Do not judge me.
But I can see,
I can feel,
I can tell.


You might think that,
How could I do this to you.
But, have you ever think that,
I have feelings too?
When you push me away,
When you block me out of your life,
Have you ever think that I will feel sad?


Yes, of course you did.
You want me to feel sad,
So you will feel better.


I am in misery.
I am a human,
But I am a human with feelings.
I need someone to rely on, too.
Do you know that?
Or you already forget that I used to need you, so much?


I have feelings too.
I have ups and downs too.
I am too tired to show it out.
But it doesn't mean I don't care.
But at the end of the time,
What did you know about me?


I never hide anything from you.
Because I know you will check me out too.
It feels better if you can access to every single of my updates,
Isn't it?
But why you want to block me and push me away in your life?
Don't you think it is unfair?


I used to try to make it out between us.
I really tried.
But now,
Everything is too late.
I give up trying.
Because you do not appreciate me, anymore.


He is a person that willing to do everything to make me happy.
He is close to girls,
But it is not in a flirty way.
He is that kind of guy that talks to girls more.


At first, I can see that he is always surrounded by girls.
He is close to girls.
I know that,
And I don't like that.
So I just keep the distance with him.


But he proves to me that he can change his socialize style for the one he loves.


A player wouldn't have only 2 ex-girlfriend in his life.
A player wouldn't change the way he is for someone he cares.
A player wouldn't differentiate likes and loves in his life.
A player wouldn't remember every single moment he had with the one he loved before, or the one he loves.


I can see,
I can tell.
I am not a dummy.
I am way smarter than you.


By the way,
I look way hotter than your new girlfriend.
;)
In your face.


Father,
I love You.
Thank you for telling me everything that I wanted to know.
Even though everyone question me why should I do this to myself,
But I know You always understand.
Thank you for sending someone to tell me everything.
Thank you Lord.
You are always there for me.
Love You! 


In the name of Jesus, I pray,
Amen.

Hate.

P/s: Before you read this, please do not think who is it that is having the conversation with me. He/she doesn't want to be known. 


We met up at some cafe, sit down and ordered some coffee and pastry. 
We started to chat.


He tells me that,
He hates me so much now.
Hates me like, 
Whenever anyone mention my name,
His face will totally change,
And become very mad.
Like there is someone that harms his family.


She tells me that,
He is being like that because he saw something online,
And he is totally burst out his anger.
He cannot accept anything.
Includes what I try to explain.


He tells me that,
He has a girlfriend now.
He is surprised that I did not know.
In fact, I don't know anything about him.
Not a single thing.


I teared.
I am happy because he moved on,
But I am really sad, 
Because he hates me,
So much.
More than I expected.


Once I thought,
You understand.
Once I thought,
You love me.
Once I thought,
You know me.


But I guess I'm wrong.


I want to wait for him to talk to me.
I really do.


Shed a tear.
Wipe off my tears.
And I start crying.
She says that, I am a pretty girl.
I am still young, and I have a bright future.
I do not have to wait for him and waste my time waiting.
I should fight for my future.


Maybe one day,
We will become strangers,
Maybe one day, 
We will meet each other,
Maybe one day,
We will come back to one another.


Let God decide.
Not human.
Not you, not me.


Back to my life,
Lie on his shoulder,
I cry.
Cry hard.


Now I finally know about him.
Even just a little bit.
I am satisfied.


Now,
I have to move on,
Without taking care of you,
Without knowing how you doing.
I am not used to it,
But I will try.


I believe that there are more people in my life that appreciate me more than you do.
I truly believe that.
I wish you all the best in your life,
And I am still waiting,
For the day we can actually talk again.
Trust me,
I will. :)


From now on,
I will move on in my life,
Without any bad feelings.
Maybe some of the memories that reminds me of you,
But it will be the sweet and happy ones.


I can do it.


Amen.