Mental Abuse

I am, extremely sad and feeling suck.
I thought if I was with him, all these complicated problem will be gone.
I thought he is a cool and chill person.
Neh.

After so many times of argument,
I am getting weaker and weaker, 
And somehow,
I turn into somebody that I did not know I will turn into.

I become offensive, fierce, scary.
And I started to hate myself.
I promised God I will love myself more and live life to the fullest.
And look at me now.
Pathetic, sad, fill with anger, insecure, mentally weak.

I turn into a weaker Meghan.
A Meghan that I hate so much.

I hate myself for being this weak.
Ever since brother left, I have never been crying my lungs out before.
And it happens more than once now, within 6 months.
Why, why do I become like this?

I broke the promises to myself.
I failed to make me happy.
I failed to God. Even this small request from Him.
I failed.

For this relationship,
I tried harder than before to commit and to hold on this relationship.
But it gets worse than the other relationships I had before.
Really worse.
Whatever I did seems to be cheating him and did something wrong to him.
In fact, I am just being myself.

I am very sensitive in absorbing words.
And I am bad at filtering it.
And I got mental abused.

I still remember that today,
I lost control and my body started to shiver,
He come to me wanted to say something more,
I am so afraid of his words,
I just throw the bottle on my hand to him and lost control of my action.
I lost control of myself.

I am scared. 
I am turning into some weak girls that crumbles easily if I breakdown.

I lost myself, God.
I cant find myself.
I used to be strong enough to control my emotions,
But he force me again and again, 
Break me down pieces by pieces,
Just because he think he is right.

The amount of mental stress I took is so heavy, that I really feel like jumping off the building just now.
Right after I started to breakdown.
But its too low for me to die right away.

This is how bad my thoughts are, right now.

Even all these feelings that I got from him,
I am still not being responsible to solve problems.
Solve, problems.
Because of solving problems, I become weak, deep in my heart.
Very weak.
My lungs getting weaker and weaker.
I cough so often, that it hurts sometimes.

What should I do...

I really wanna hold on this relationship.
I know I cant live without him.
How pathetic I am.
Giving up on him appears to my mind like, a lot of times.
But, I decided to hold on.
I could not leave.
And I decided to suffocate myself by his words,
Despite of the chances I might not stand it.

But today, 
I am so disappointed by his action.
He insist to solve the problem,
Even after my spirit and my heart, brokedown.
The reason he come for me is just wanting me to solve the problem,
Instead of noticing my mental condition.

Who else can help me, please...

Lord, I will pray to You,
Every single day.
Lord, bless me.
Give me the strength to handle these situation.
Heal my weaken heart with Your mighty power.
For You are my saviour, You are my healer.
Thank You for dying on the cross for us, the sinful human.
I could not thank You more.
Thank You Lord. 
For not letting me down.

In the name of Jesus, I pray.
Amen.