Look back.

Went out with my friends today.

Church mates, to be precise.

It's been quite some time since I last hang out with them.

It is fun. I miss them like crazy.

Miss all the moments with them.

After that, I fetch all of them home from One Utama.

After I send the last person home,

I realize that, I'm at his house area.

My heart start pounding, very fast.

I am shivering.

I was suppose to turn left to go home, 

And turn right is to his house.

And I decided to turn right.

I am surprised.

But I still drive all the way to his house.

I am really nervous and scared as I am reaching soon to his house.

I passed by.

I saw his neighbor.

I hope he doesn't sees me.

I saw his house. He is not there. 

He is off to study, I guess.

The house looks fine.

Everything is still the same.

And I stop shivering.

Drive myself home.

When I am on the way home, I shed a tear.

Really wanna cry out so bad but I got no tear.

How I wish I can do everything that we used to do before.

We go out, spend time together,

then we head to his house, chill,

And we go out for dinner with his family.

But when I think again,

If I am given a chance to start over again,

Will I choose to keep what I said?

The answer is, no.

I will still ask for a break up.

In reality,

There is still something that we will never get to fix for now.

And now, everything seems impossible to achieve, already.

You have your life,

And I have mine too.

So I conclude myself,

It's just an imagination and the remaining feelings on you that I thought I never wanna let go.

:)

Its the memory.

In my heart,

I wanna say,

I love you.

Forever.

Hope you are doing fine with your life now. 

And so,

I am back to my life again.

Moving forward and excited about going back to college again.

The effort that I put for my academic,

The time that I spend with my friends,

The spirit that I share with my Performing Arts people.

I love them more.

Adios.

What do you know?

Wake up in the morning, 
started to recall all the memories I used to have with him.
It makes my head burst.
But at least I am able to sleep well, 
Compare to the last few nights.


You do not want to listen to me,
At all.
And this changes everything.
And build more misunderstanding.
Because you never listen.


You saw my post,
You are jealous,
You get angry,
But you do not want to hear anything from me.


I tried to explain,
I really do.
But you can't hear anything.


And at the same time,
He came into my life.
Whenever there is misunderstanding,
When you push me a mile away,
He come closer to me, 2 miles closer.


The more you push me away,
The more he reach closer to me.


There are people saying that he is a player.
Don't you think I wouldn't know that?
I know about that, of course.


Do you know that,
When you refuse to talk to me,
I really wanted to rush to you and hug you?


Do you know that,
The more you misunderstands me,
The more I try to explain to you?


These moment,
When I can't reach to you,
I am really lonely and I don't know what to do.
And he shows up,
Look me in the eyes,
Tells me everything is gonna be okay.


I know that he might not be a loyal person,
So I tried to avoid him.
But the more I did,
The more he tries to show me he is true to me.
Basically,
He change himself.
And I can see that.


Do not judge me.
But I can see,
I can feel,
I can tell.


You might think that,
How could I do this to you.
But, have you ever think that,
I have feelings too?
When you push me away,
When you block me out of your life,
Have you ever think that I will feel sad?


Yes, of course you did.
You want me to feel sad,
So you will feel better.


I am in misery.
I am a human,
But I am a human with feelings.
I need someone to rely on, too.
Do you know that?
Or you already forget that I used to need you, so much?


I have feelings too.
I have ups and downs too.
I am too tired to show it out.
But it doesn't mean I don't care.
But at the end of the time,
What did you know about me?


I never hide anything from you.
Because I know you will check me out too.
It feels better if you can access to every single of my updates,
Isn't it?
But why you want to block me and push me away in your life?
Don't you think it is unfair?


I used to try to make it out between us.
I really tried.
But now,
Everything is too late.
I give up trying.
Because you do not appreciate me, anymore.


He is a person that willing to do everything to make me happy.
He is close to girls,
But it is not in a flirty way.
He is that kind of guy that talks to girls more.


At first, I can see that he is always surrounded by girls.
He is close to girls.
I know that,
And I don't like that.
So I just keep the distance with him.


But he proves to me that he can change his socialize style for the one he loves.


A player wouldn't have only 2 ex-girlfriend in his life.
A player wouldn't change the way he is for someone he cares.
A player wouldn't differentiate likes and loves in his life.
A player wouldn't remember every single moment he had with the one he loved before, or the one he loves.


I can see,
I can tell.
I am not a dummy.
I am way smarter than you.


By the way,
I look way hotter than your new girlfriend.
;)
In your face.


Father,
I love You.
Thank you for telling me everything that I wanted to know.
Even though everyone question me why should I do this to myself,
But I know You always understand.
Thank you for sending someone to tell me everything.
Thank you Lord.
You are always there for me.
Love You! 


In the name of Jesus, I pray,
Amen.

Hate.

P/s: Before you read this, please do not think who is it that is having the conversation with me. He/she doesn't want to be known. 


We met up at some cafe, sit down and ordered some coffee and pastry. 
We started to chat.


He tells me that,
He hates me so much now.
Hates me like, 
Whenever anyone mention my name,
His face will totally change,
And become very mad.
Like there is someone that harms his family.


She tells me that,
He is being like that because he saw something online,
And he is totally burst out his anger.
He cannot accept anything.
Includes what I try to explain.


He tells me that,
He has a girlfriend now.
He is surprised that I did not know.
In fact, I don't know anything about him.
Not a single thing.


I teared.
I am happy because he moved on,
But I am really sad, 
Because he hates me,
So much.
More than I expected.


Once I thought,
You understand.
Once I thought,
You love me.
Once I thought,
You know me.


But I guess I'm wrong.


I want to wait for him to talk to me.
I really do.


Shed a tear.
Wipe off my tears.
And I start crying.
She says that, I am a pretty girl.
I am still young, and I have a bright future.
I do not have to wait for him and waste my time waiting.
I should fight for my future.


Maybe one day,
We will become strangers,
Maybe one day, 
We will meet each other,
Maybe one day,
We will come back to one another.


Let God decide.
Not human.
Not you, not me.


Back to my life,
Lie on his shoulder,
I cry.
Cry hard.


Now I finally know about him.
Even just a little bit.
I am satisfied.


Now,
I have to move on,
Without taking care of you,
Without knowing how you doing.
I am not used to it,
But I will try.


I believe that there are more people in my life that appreciate me more than you do.
I truly believe that.
I wish you all the best in your life,
And I am still waiting,
For the day we can actually talk again.
Trust me,
I will. :)


From now on,
I will move on in my life,
Without any bad feelings.
Maybe some of the memories that reminds me of you,
But it will be the sweet and happy ones.


I can do it.


Amen.

A dream.

I dream about him, last Friday night.
Dream makes me feel so good, yet feel so sad by the moment I wake up.


We are having dinner together, 
With his family along.
Everything seems fine, like how we used to be.
If I still recall, it looks like A&W to me.
A place that they love to go for dinner once a while.
I serve the food for them,
Take the sauces,
And we sit down and eat.
Everyone looks happy and excited about the food.


And then I ask him,
Why does he block me in Facebook.
He tells me with a very happy emotion,
That he doesn't want to see my updates on Facebook,
Because it hurts.
And surprisingly,
we start joking around.
Everything seems so fine, no harsh feelings.


People say that dreams is opposite side of reality.
I guess it is. :)
Yes, he block me in Facebook.
Didn't get to see what he's up to.
Cannot tell if he moved on, or he hates me still.
Cannot see what he's up to, is he going for another girl already?
Cannot see if he changed his lifestyle after I'm gone in his life.
I cant see anything.


I really thought, we can still talk.
Like how we did in the dream.
Well, its just a dream, isn't it? 


It still hurts, tho.
It hurts.


I guess I have to move on.
Knowing you don't want to even know anything about me anymore.
:)
I will still check you out,
And see if you are okay.
I will. :)
Even though you treat me like shit,
I don't mind.
I will still wait for you.
No matter how long it takes.


Father,
Your daughter speaking. :)
I do not know if I did the right thing this time,
But I know there must be a reason You brought me this far.
I am really happy and get to enjoy the life without any extra burden.
Thank you Lord.


Amen. 


I love you.

Heartache

Talk about relationship last night.

Had an argument.

And I know I did something wrong.

He is hurt.

I hurt his feeling.

I keep telling the world, including himself,

That we are not together.

And he's totally free and available.

He hate it.

He is upset about it.

And he burst it out,

By telling me how sad he feels.

Dear anonymous,

I dont know if I can count on you.

I can definitely imagine that if we are together,

I will be the one standing besides you,

Watching you socializing/playing with other girls.

And I cant see myself to accept it.

I have no clue what should I do with it.

If I were to control you,

Then there will be no point of what we doing now.

Because, it is our freedom to socialize.

I hate the fact that I am the one you deeply in love with,

But not the one you are close to.

You dont know me.

You never do.

One word to describe my feeling.

Insecure.

Yes, I feel insecure when I'm with you.

Well, end of this argument,

We both agree that we stay the way we are.

No pressure.

Single Life

Been very very busy lately.

I mean, seriously busy.

But I am happy.

Very happy.

Because I am single,

I no longer have to spend my time or squeeze out my time for my boyfriend.

I finally have my own time at Saturday, doing my own thing.

Tomorrow will be a Saturday that has 'me' time.

I am looking forward to it.

I saw his post.

He say that he wants to move on.

Even though we broke up,

It still hurts me a little bit.

But I never regret making this decision.

I feel like I have my life again.

Busy with being a student, a performer, a leader.

I can fully concentrate on what I have to do in my college life.

And it is good for me to be focus.

Relationship makes me lost focus.

I will do everything for my love ones,

Including screwing up my life.

That is why I want to stop it.

Life is busy, but it is really fun.

I did so many things in a week,

All the stress and tiring moment,

And all the happy and relieved moment is so precious,

The memory lasts forever.

I am happy with my life now.

I will move on too.

In your face. :)

Dear Father,

I get what You mean now. :D

You really open up my eyes to a world that I would never imagine.

I love You Lord.

In the name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

Be beside me, dont leave me.

Car accident.

Had a quite serious car accident today.

I bang to the divider and my car tayar is punctured.

Fetch some friends in the car.

We a supposed to enjoy our time at friend's place,

But end up I need everybody to help me with the tayar punctured.

After that, we go to Chatime @ Uptown and hang out.

I am still not sure about the direction and I ask them.

Same goes to it when we go back to college.

I am really blur about the direction.

They seem to feel it is funny,

And start making fun of me.

They start to misguide me.

I hate it,

Coz I will trust them.

After we reach college,

I just dont want to talk.

To anyone.

I am mad at myself.

Really mad.

I finally know how my dad feels,

When he says that he is very weak in sense of direction.

No one seems to believe him,

Even mom scold him, saying he is just being irresponsible.

It seems like both of us has the same problem that not everyone will understand.

We are weak in memorizing direction.

After I drop them off the college,

I park my car,

Change my shoes,

And listen to the music before I go.

To avoid me from falling.

walk to college,

Meet friends,

Greet them with smile.

Moments later,

Mom called, and scolding nonsense.

I could not take it anymore.

I throw the phone on the ground.

I kick it.

And I pick it back up.

I almost cried, but I didnt.

Cool myself down.

Smile it off, and back to practice.

They ask me if I am okay,

And I answered: Yes, I'm fine. :)

Back home,

Tell mom about the tayar punctured.

She started to scold me irrelevant stuff with tayars.

Totally break my wall of defense.

Shed a tear as I run in to my room.

Almost cry out, but I dont have time to do so.

So I keep it back again.

I am really mad at myself.

For being so blur as a driver.

I am making my friends and family that rides my car in danger.

Meghan Soh, you really suck shit.

You suck.

I dont know why,

I just want to hide this feelings from everyone today.

I dont want them to know.

I dont want to cry in front of them.

I dont want to be weak in front of them.

So I decided to keep it to myself.

Dear Lord,

I understand what are You trying to tell me today.

I really do.

Thank you Lord.

And please forgive me Lord,

Coz You told me before I need to share my feelings to everyone,
Including You.

But I just keep it to myself.

All by myself.

I will pray to You, Lord.

Dont worry.

In the name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

P/s: In case any of you read this, dont worry, I'm fine. It is none of your fault, it's my fault for making you scared. Dont worry. And I am really sorry for cannot make it up to you.

Personal Diaries during Bangkok Trip

Had a study trip to Bangkok,

It was really fun and I get to know Thailand's culture.

They just love their King so much,

Whatever they do, they do it for Him.

And same goes to the King.

Had a terrible incidents before i depart to KLIA.

The things that he did, seriously makes me lose all confidence in him.

I thought he know me well.

But I'm wrong.

Crying hard before I go,

And James accompany me all the way.

I can tell how worried he is when he knows that I'm about to cry.

:)

A lot of thoughts running in my mind,

And I wrote diary about it, in my phone.

Before I actually forgot about it.

Day 1

Nothing really happen.

But I met these 2 pretty girls on the plane.

Get to know them and it was fun.

They are from Germany. x)

Missing you on the plane,

With my music on the iPod.

Texted you when I reach Bangkok,

And it cost me RM2 -.- WTH..

Day 2

Missing you on the 2nd day.

Recalls the memory we had on the sports day.

Heart pounding.

But at the same time,

Confusing.

Honestly, when you mention about the girl,

It bothers me.

I am really sorry if I somehow ruin the relationship you guys are suppose to build up.

Really sorry.

Chan rat kun.

Drunk tonight, coz I just cant stop thinking about you.

I will get heart broken if I'm gonna do this..

But I wanna forget about you.

It was really heart aching when I think about her.

I feel so guilty.

You guys are supposed to be together.

I know I cant do this......

Day 3

Had a lot of first time experience when I'm with you.

Missing you bad today.

Third day at Bangkok and its our shopping day.

We literally shop till we drop! -.-

Everyone is broke. Including me.

After shopping, Mendy and I have to wait for the rest to done shopping.

(We seriously shop like a boss )

I miss you so bad that time.

Heart was pounding fast when I think about us,

Missing you hard when I am wearing your cardigan.

I miss you, K.

Drink and drunk again tonight.

I am missing you so badly.

Just you.

All about you.

Bought you a souvenir.

Scared you dont like it.

I'm officially broke because of that, But I dont care.

I love you babe,

Good night.

Day 4

Thinking too much!

Back from Bangkok and the 1st thing in my mind is you.

Called you, get very weird response,

But I know that you are happy.

It makes me more depressed.

I cant let go like that.

You been calling me 'baby girl' for the whole night,

And I see that you told your friends how important I am for you.

What should I do?

Today

Was wondering,

Maybe I am being too negative myself.

Think too much.

x)

When you mention about our memories,

Like telling me with very single details,

I know that I am inside your heart.

All the memories that we shared is irreplaceable.

Should I just stop thinking about everything and enjoy our moments together?

Wanna blog it out because,

Its part of my memory. :)

A quote for myself:

I am easy to get, but hard to maintain.

It is true, coz I am really a bad person.

My mind keep changing rapidly all the time.

And I am a really naughty person.

I know I cant do this, but I am still doing it.

Because I just wanna do what I want to do.

I hate when a string attached on me.

There is one day I actually feel relieved when I touch my finger and there is no ring on it.

Father,

Your daughter is really a bad person,

I guess You always know, right?

Please forgive my sins,

And guide me, Lord.

I know I've been hurting too many people.

Too many.

Maybe I should stay single.

I dont deserve a man to love.

Coz I am a bad person.

Recall

An ordinary day.

Another day of college life.

Drive to college, park the car,

Get down and do my daily routine.

2pm, CS class.

3pm ends.

Nothing much to do,

Some of us decided to go to Snowflake,

Have some dessert and chill.

4pm, we are almost done.

Suddenly, heavy rain comes.

Lightning.

The rain literally struck me.

It brings back my memory of him.

Wilber.

Soh Joh Kien.

A very familiar name,

Familiar face,

Familiar glasses,

Familiar skin tone.

A good brother,

Mom's favourite son,

A gamer,

A basketball player,

A hillarious person.

But he's no longer here.

When the lightning strucks,

Memory projects in front of me.

I cried, I breakdown,

I wish how I can exchange position with him so the world will feel better.

But now, I just wanna stay stronger for him.

Hey bro,

How you doing in Heaven?

:)

How does Father look like?

From my vision, Heaven is a very comfortable place.

Right?
:)

I was shivering hard,

And suddenly,

He hold my hand.

I can feel that he is very worried,

So I try to calm myself.

His hand is so warm,

I dont even feel like letting it go.

It makes me feel like, I am not facing this alone.

Fall for you deeper and deeper,

Day by day,

Second by second.

The only thing is,

I am afraid to love.

I am really not sure if I am a committed person in a relationship.

But I know you will wait for me.

And you wont let me go.

I wont let you go, too.

Love me more,

Hug me more,

Kiss me more.

Going to Bangkok study trip tomorrow.

Wanna pray to my dear Lord.

Father,

This is Your daughter speaking. x)

We are going to Bangkok for study trip,

Lord, I pray that we will have a safe journey there,

And we will get to not just have fun,

But also learn from there.

Oh Lord,

I pray that the flood will decrease,

And Thailand citizen will get better.

Yes oh Lord,

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

:)

I am glad that I have you in my life.

The last Goodbye

2nd of April, 2010,

They are officially together.

Two person from different world met each other, unexpected.

2nd of April, 2011,

They are still together,

Thinking nothing will break them apart.

13th of October, 2011,

They officially break up.

The girl knows he will breakdown.

The boy knows why she is doing this.

They have their own life,

Busy life.

They couldn't spend time together anymore.

They might probably met one another once a week or less.

The girls thought she is the bad person for hurting him,

But the boy says, "I know it won't get any better if I ask us to stay,"

He knows that they should move on,

So they both made an agreement.

Keep in touch.

Close friends.

This might be the best way for both of them.

Yes, it is the best way.

So they hugged each other, tight.

They kissed one another.

They said goodbye.

"I will miss you."

"I will miss you too."

The thing that we will never know is,

Maybe they will be strangers forever,

Or maybe they will found each other one day.

No one knows.

But I am glad it is a happy ending.

Goodbye, my love.

I can't sing

It's almost mid term for my 2nd sem.

So busy with assignments and stuffs.

Dont even realize there is mid term exam coming soon.

Bought expensive things for my course,

Which it makes me feel so bad.

That is why i am very dedicated to do it better.

I didnt sing lately in the club.

And I might know why.

I started to feel not comfortable singing in the crowd.

Feel like I am not good enough.

Honestly.

I cant sing.

I like you.

You brighten my day,

You make me smile a lot,

You cheer me up.

I like your smile,

I like your voice,

I like your personality.

:)

Dear Father Lord,

This is your naughty daughter speaking. :)

I know I am being very bad to You recently,

Reason is because of my academic.

But Lord,

I still love You.

I pray everyday just to talk to You.

Dear Lord,

Guide me to a correct direction.

And the same time Lord,

Guide my brother in the Heaven as well.

Thank you Lord.

In Jesus precious name i pray,

Amen.

Long time no see

It's been a long time since I last blogged.

Literally forgot about my blog.

HAHA

College started long time ago,

Even done my first semester,

And now, my second semester begun.

Love my friends,

Love my colleagues,

Love my Sam. <3

Love my family.

I love girl's talk time with

Mendy, Ariel, Elreena, Ashley.

Glad that we all share the same GIRL POWER hehe

That's all about it.

New sem, new beginning.

Happy Birthday Wilber

Happy birthday,

25th of March, every year,

We will still love you, cherish you in our life.

I miss you , brother.

Hope you are doing well in Heaven.

I'm sure you do.

:)

SPM!

Hahh....

Here it is!!

My result!!

..........................

Taadaa!!

6A 2B+

='D

All my hard work really turns out to a good result!!!

But...... No A+ =O

What is that man =.=

Malay: A-

English: A-

Sejarah: B+

Moral: A-

Maths: A

Science: A

Accounts: A

Economics: B+

Owh Watte efff..............

But still, I am satisfied :)

I made my family proud,

And I made myself proud.

That's all I ever wanted :)

Thank you Lord Father :)

College

Went to apply for studies at KDU today.

Hmm...

Blur x)

By the way,

I really excited about starting my college life.

Even though there is still alot of stuff to do.

My, my......

Suddenly, I think about my friends.

Seems like we are not that close anymore.

We no longer share our secrets with each other, anymore..?

How I miss those days where we hanging around together everyday.

:')

She heals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWGqoCNbsvM

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feelin' like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglees in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is fallin' on my window pane
But we are hidin' in a safer place
Under the covers stayin' safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I gonna say
When you make me feel this way?
I just, mmm

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin' shows
'Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, where ever you go
Wherever, wherever, where ever you go